What's your flirting style? revisited 5 years later

[matt1993]

In case I don't post some other new entry between now and when this scheduled entry goes live, sorry I went a week or so without checking my friends page (finally checking it once more on the 24th, and hopefully more times after that) - I had to get two programs for Game Graphics class almost finished.

But anyway, it's finally time for another quiz rerun! (Well, actually the first quiz rerun, since the one before that was a survey.)

Originally posted by matt1993 at Shy guy (Mario reference not intended...OR IS IT?)

Anyone have a time machine so I can go back in time and take this quiz BEFORE my girlfriend moved? :(

Repost to your journal? Or are you too shy?

And 5 years later...

Yep, same thing. The only difference is at least I'm finally smart enough to know that I should've referred to her as my crush and not my girlfriend.

Finally summon up the courage to repost to your journal

Comments

[kandigurl.livejournal.com]

You can always be forgiven. That is actually a pretty easy thing to forgive, especially as more time passes and you both figure this whole "adult" thing out.

[matt1993]

I guess, but things like "That's an important revelation! It will help you in the future." kind of make me feel like I still can't be forgiven for things I've said back then. I don't know why.

Oh, except I do know why. It's called the Forbidden Comment Threads.


you both figure this whole "adult" thing out

Actually, about a year later I found her on Facebook and added her as a friend, and she added me back, but she was in a relationship. In fact, she's married now. What I'm more worried about is other people not forgiving me about things I've said about her years ago. I'm not even sure that the subject line of that entry I just linked to is any better.

[kandigurl.livejournal.com]

I can understand that. Other people are going to think what they're going to think, but again, I bet as more time goes by, less and less people will think harshly about you because of it.

What I meant when you said that is, you'll have lots of situations as time moves forward where you'll figure stuff out so that you know how to act when something similar comes up. In other words, mistakes can be good things, and the lesson you learn can be a reason to forgive yourself. For example, "If this had never happened, I never would have known, so it's a good thing it happened, I was able to get something positive out of it."

If that makes any sense.

Also I'm not entirely sure what the Forbidden Comment Thread is...could you explain?

[matt1993]

Also I'm not entirely sure what the Forbidden Comment Thread is...could you explain?

The Forbidden Comment Threads are a massive flame war apocalypse that happened in asperger back in November 2011. Since the five entries it spans are all members-only, you wouldn't be able to see them if I linked to them. And given what happened in them, I wouldn't really want to go back and find the URLs even if you would be able to read the entries if I did.

That's why I just linked to all my entries that my "forbidden comment threads" tag is on - I hoped you'd at least get an idea that way.

So here's some links to specific entries in my journal that'll hopefully explain it better. Some of them say almost the same thing, but I wanted to have a more complete set of links.

I recommend reading them while listening to scary or apocalyptic music to set the mood...

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/204943.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/205201.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/205547.html (or at least these two comments: http://matt1993.livejournal.com/205547.html?thread=857579#t857579 Because this is probably the first time that the Forbidden Comment Threads made me feel like I had to worry about everything I say being offensive.)

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/206722.html (I think this is the first time I actually use the phrase "Forbidden Comment Threads", although I think I've called them that in my head before then.)

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/207846.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/209019.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/216581.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/219726.html?thread=942158#t942158

One entry is way too long for me to link to it and expect it to be clear where the Forbidden Comment Threads-related bit is, so I'll just quote it:

"While I wrote [PrtSc Land], I had a tendency to say a lot of stupid things on the SmackJeeves [the site PSL was hosted on] forum and Homestar Runner Wiki Forum [a site I joined and self-promoted PSL on], to the point where I felt like I'd made everyone at the SJ forum hate me (especially moderator cutething).

When I started a thread about how my inability to make sense was due to my autism, I got a lot of negative feedback from members with Asperger's that took offense because they were fully capable of making sense and that I made it seem like everyone on the spectrum was that way.

This made me feel even worse about myself, and I made one of the worst decisions I ever made: saying that I was "considering considering considering considering considering considering suicide" while, despite feeling depressed, not actually considering suicide at all. This made people finally tell me that I was an alright person, but I still think they were only saying it because of the whole suicide thing." I then went on to say that the Forbidden Comment Threads reminded me of this, and that's why I was so depressed about those.

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/222159.html?thread=967375#t967375

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/223352.html (This one's about the Forbidden Comment Threads and something else that's also a long story, but hopefully also explained by the links there)

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/223997.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/225940.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/230277.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/230695.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/232166.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/232292.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/232489.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/235098.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/237625.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/237870.html?thread=1058606#t1058606

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/238581.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/240789.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/242295.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/242472.html (This is the first of a series of 15 entries about things that the Forbidden Comment Threads have made me feel like people might hate me for and never forgive me for [although some of them were just in there because they seemed weird to me when I reread them]. And it's not even a complete list!)

And some entries after that entire series:

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/246741.html

Finishing this comment

[matt1993]

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/246904.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/247641.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/247893.html (or at least the comments)

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/248230.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/250113.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/251683.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/252160.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/252861.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/253881.html

[kandigurl.livejournal.com]

Ooooh, okay. I will admit that I didn't read every post you linked to, but I read a bunch and I think I get the idea.

It sounds like you are getting down on yourself for Internet Drama.

I have a lot to say about that, and I don't know if any of it will actually make you feel any better, because I know how easy it is to get sucked into that sort of thing and let it affect your mood for a long time, but I'm going to try anyway.

I think the most important thing to realize is that when you get into a heated argument on the Internet, people are not actually arguing with you. They are arguing with the threat they feel when their beliefs are challenged. To them, you aren't a whole, complex person, because you're not standing there physically in front of them. You're just a small sampling of words. To them, those words represent their opinion of you, even though it is just the TINIEST FRACTION of who you are. That is why worrying about what people on the Internet think of you is depressing...they make snap judgements based on what they THINK they know.

I'll never forget the first time I got flamed online. I wanted some fun new LJ icons, so a friend of mine who knew how to do graphics made some up for me, and I posted them asking for advice on which ones to use (because at the time, I could only have three, this was WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY back in the day).

One of the icons was of a young girl in pigtails. My friend had colored her face blue and captioned it "Working Undercover As A Smurf", which I found hilarious. :)

Well, somehow, and I HAVE NO IDEA HOW, the little girl's mother found the post, took offense, and posted to HER LJ about how mad she was. Then, all of her friends came onto MY LJ and began telling me how awful a person I was, how I didn't know how to photoshop, how I should kill myself, how I'm scum, etc., etc.

These people didn't realize I was only fifteen years old. They didn't know I wasn't the one who had made the icon. They didn't know it was not made to tease the little girl, but just for fun. They didn't know ME as a person at all, they just took offense and came after me.

I felt horrible for a very long time about it. I messaged the mother directly and apologized, and took down the post, and made an apology post that I doubt any of those people even saw.

Another time, I made a post about how I kept forgetting to buy cat food and my cats were very upset with me. I intended the post to be funny, but then a BUNCH of people got very mad at me and told me (once again) that I was a horrible person, that I shouldn't even have cats, that I was abusive to my animals, etc., etc.

Again, these were people who didn't know me. They weren't my friends. They weren't people I cared about. They saw this one mistake I'd made (because I'm a human being, and human beings make mistakes) and assumed that I was an awful person. I'm not an awful person, but I did make a mistake (and this mistake is largely due to my poor executive function, it's hard for me to remember what I need to buy when I'm at the grocery store if I don't make a list, and I had only been living on my own for a year at that point so I hadn't learned how to work around that problem yet).

I felt horrible about that post for a long time, too. I also deleted it, apologized for it, and took it way to personally.

(cont'd)

[kandigurl.livejournal.com]

(cont'd)

Eventually, though, I learned that I cannot beat myself up over what people say online. It's people making snap judgements based on limited information.

I really hope that you learn that in due course as well, because it breaks my heart to hear how much it affects your mental well-being when people misinterpret you online. I know how much harder it is for you to communicate your thoughts clearly. But, as an example, when people got upset with you for pinning that aspect of yourself to your Autism, they were not angry with YOU. They were frustrated with the contrasting viewpoint to their own belief. When someone feels something very strongly, and they read something that disagrees with it, they react strongly.

Again, they weren't taking you as a person, a whole and complex human being, into the equation. They felt their belief and personal views were threatened. And this is very important: that has nothing at all to do with you. If you say something with no ill-intent, and a person reacts badly, it is not your fault. People, despite how it may seem much of the time, are responsible for their own emotions. They had a choice when they reacted, they could have considered what you said and thought about it rationally (which is what it seems you do any time you receive negative push back online, which is good), or they could have over-reacted and lashed out in an effort to preserve their way of thinking (which is totally common online). They chose to be rude instead of thoughtful.

Be kind to yourself. You are a good person, and no one gets to decide that but you. The best you can do with these situations is learn from them and decide what important lessons you can take from them, and then keep moving forward. It is obvious that you DO think about them and try to learn from them, which means you are already doing your best. So I say, forgive yourself your mistakes and pat yourself on the back for making more of an effort to understand others than they are making to understand you.

<3 <3 <3

[matt1993]

I will admit that I didn't read every post you linked to

No problem - I did link to a whole lot of posts, after all :)


people are not actually arguing with you

My first thought was to say "Some of them do..." but after I read the rest, I think I understand what you mean - sometimes I feel the same way about people who seem to argue with me, because when that happens I feel that my beliefs are being challenged as well. (And, unfortunately, a lot of the time they are...)


That is why worrying about what people on the Internet think of you is depressing...they make snap judgements based on what they THINK they know.

That's also why actually knowing what people on the Internet think of me is depressing... if only there weren't so many people that make judgements that way. :(


They saw this one mistake I'd made (because I'm a human being, and human beings make mistakes) and assumed that I was an awful person.

They chose to be rude instead of thoughtful.

Exactly! I wish people didn't make assumptions like that so often...


You are a good person, and no one gets to decide that but you.

Just wait until I post the rest of the currently incomplete list of things I'm worried about (and I know it'll probably never be a 100% complete list, but there are a lot of things I plan to include). Some of the things I've said and done outside LJ are a lot worse than what I've already posted of that list (the series of entries starting with http://matt1993.livejournal.com/242472.html)...

In fact, if that wasn't one of the links you clicked, you might want to read at least part of it now. The comments I've received on it so far have made me feel better about many of those things, but much worse about others...


(And don't get me wrong - your comments helped me feel a little better :) I just still probably won't be able to get over this completely until I finish the rest of that list and post it...)

[matt1993]

I can't edit the above comment to change the links to go to the DW versions of the entries instead. If I could, here is what it would be. The links still look like the URLs of the LJ versions but go to the DW versions.

----

Also I'm not entirely sure what the Forbidden Comment Thread is...could you explain?

The Forbidden Comment Threads are a massive flame war apocalypse that happened in asperger back in November 2011. Since the five entries it spans are all members-only, you wouldn't be able to see them if I linked to them. And given what happened in them, I wouldn't really want to go back and find the URLs even if you would be able to read the entries if I did.

That's why I just linked to all my entries that my "forbidden comment threads" tag is on - I hoped you'd at least get an idea that way.

So here's some links to specific entries in my journal that'll hopefully explain it better. Some of them say almost the same thing, but I wanted to have a more complete set of links.

I recommend reading them while listening to scary or apocalyptic music to set the mood...

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/204943.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/205201.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/205547.html (or at least these two comments: http://matt1993.livejournal.com/205547.html?thread=857579#t857579 Because this is probably the first time that the Forbidden Comment Threads made me feel like I had to worry about everything I say being offensive.)

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/206722.html (I think this is the first time I actually use the phrase "Forbidden Comment Threads", although I think I've called them that in my head before then.)

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/207846.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/209019.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/216581.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/219726.html?thread=942158#t942158

One entry is way too long for me to link to it and expect it to be clear where the Forbidden Comment Threads-related bit is, so I'll just quote it:

"While I wrote [PrtSc Land], I had a tendency to say a lot of stupid things on the SmackJeeves [the site PSL was hosted on] forum and Homestar Runner Wiki Forum [a site I joined and self-promoted PSL on], to the point where I felt like I'd made everyone at the SJ forum hate me (especially moderator cutething).

When I started a thread about how my inability to make sense was due to my autism, I got a lot of negative feedback from members with Asperger's that took offense because they were fully capable of making sense and that I made it seem like everyone on the spectrum was that way.

This made me feel even worse about myself, and I made one of the worst decisions I ever made: saying that I was "considering considering considering considering considering considering suicide" while, despite feeling depressed, not actually considering suicide at all. This made people finally tell me that I was an alright person, but I still think they were only saying it because of the whole suicide thing." I then went on to say that the Forbidden Comment Threads reminded me of this, and that's why I was so depressed about those.

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/222159.html?thread=967375#t967375

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/223352.html (This one's about the Forbidden Comment Threads and something else that's also a long story, but hopefully also explained by the links there)

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/223997.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/225940.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/230277.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/230695.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/232166.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/232292.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/232489.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/235098.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/237625.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/237870.html?thread=1058606#t1058606

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/238581.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/240789.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/242295.html

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/242472.html (This is the first of a series of 15 entries about things that the Forbidden Comment Threads have made me feel like people might hate me for and never forgive me for [although some of them were just in there because they seemed weird to me when I reread them]. And it's not even a complete list!)

And some entries after that entire series:

http://matt1993.livejournal.com/246741.html

[matt1993]

I can't edit the above comment, but pretend I edited it to link to the DW versions of those pages instead as follows:

--

Oh, except I do know why. It's called the Forbidden Comment Threads.

--

Actually, about a year later I found her on Facebook and added her as a friend, and she added me back, but she was in a relationship. In fact, she's married now. What I'm more worried about is other people not forgiving me about things I've said about her years ago. I'm not even sure that the subject line of that entry I just linked to is any better.