Quick update

[matt1993]

Today (well, yesterday because it's 1:09 AM) was my first anniversary as a direct employee at work! :)

I was going to post some other things I'd been meaning to mention, but now this is the one that's on my mind the most so I'm gonna briefly post about just this one so I can kinda get it off my chest:

Just now I discovered that TWO YouTube channels I'd at some point seen a couple of videos of, liked those videos, and wanted to watch more of eventually have ended recently... one (Etika) is actually GONE now, and the other (cobanermani456) is still there but no new videos will be made, apparently because of a controversy that spiraled out of something that sounds a lot like mistakes I have made in the past...

THIS IS FREAKING ME OUT NOW. Just like earlier this year when I found out that THREE webcomics I wanted to read were gone now.

ANYTHING I LIKE CAN BE TAKEN DOWN AT ANY MOMENT. THERE IS NO LONGER ANY REASON NOT TO PANIC.

Comments

[ayebydan]

YAY ON A YEAR!

Also....content from others is never something you can control and their agency should be respected at all times. Perhaps that is a better way to think about things? It is shared for you to enjoy but is theirs, to be done with as they so wish at any point.

[matt1993]

YAY ON A YEAR!

Thanks :)


Also....content from others is never something you can control and their agency should be respected at all times. Perhaps that is a better way to think about things? It is shared for you to enjoy but is theirs, to be done with as they so wish at any point.

I must not have been clear in this entry about what happened to those channels because I assumed people might know about it already (more so than I do).

Let me try to elaborate:

Etika's channel was taken down by YouTube last week or so (I heard something about Etika himself also taking it down before that and bringing it back up but I dunno if that's true or not). On the other hand, cobanermani456's channel is still up and (as far as I know) completely intact, but apparently some controversy happened 3-5 months ago that eventually led to him deciding not to make any new videos. (This isn't the first time I've gotten sad because a YouTube channel I want to eventually watch more of stopped updating...) The only similarity between these events (that I know of) is they involve YouTubers who've at some point done gaming videos I watched and liked, and I found out about both events on the same day.

I read about it to try and find out exactly what happened in both scenarios, but I didn't get far because it started upsetting me pretty quickly. Here's a few links I've found that might help explain what happened...

https://knowyourmeme.com/search?q=etika
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4J_yFuc05hE
https://www.youtube.com/user/cobanermani456/community?disable_polymer=1

The cobanermani456 incident, in particular, scares me because what I've read so far of it (which admittedly isn't much because I'm too afraid to read any more of it) reminds me of how when I was in middle/high school, there was a girl I had a crush on and since I didn't know any better, I did things like:
- calling her my girlfriend, including on LJ a couple of times (because my family used to tease me about my crush on her and they called her my girlfriend, leading me to believe that she was in fact my girlfriend and thus I could call her that)
- touching her hair one day when I was sitting behind/beside her (I stopped when she told me to stop, but still, I feel the fact that I did so at all means that I'll still be seen as a horrible person for it a decade later)
- etc.

Whenever controversies like these happen, or I read/watch videos about sexual harassment (i.e. in college classes, for work, etc.), it always makes me feel like I'll be seen as a bad person for how I behaved around my crush years ago. Yes, I've been told by people that it's okay because I didn't know any better back then... but I feel like there's people who don't know (or won't believe) that I didn't know any better.


I'm worried right now because, as with the other instances of YouTubers I want to watch being controversial, I feel like people might think it's bad that I still want to watch these YouTube channels (or in the case of Etika, still wish I could watch it...)


And it's always disappointing to me whenever something I wanted to see gets taken down (whether by the creators or by the owners of the site they upload it to) before I get to see it, no matter what the circumstances... every time this happens, it just makes me feel like more of a procrastinator. :( Sorry if it's bad that I feel this way about things...

(Does any of this make sense? I'm afraid that you might be mad at me for how I worded something in the entry, and I'm worse at wording when I think people might be mad at me...)

[ayebydan]

You make sense. If people DO get mad at you for something you did in the PAST before you knew better then they are crappy people who don't deserve your thoughts or feelings or time.

It is totally understandable to be sad when things go but ...anxiety is hard. The hardest part of coping is knowing what is and isn't your control. You can only do your best.

[matt1993]

You make sense.

Yay! :)

It is totally understandable to be sad when things go but ...anxiety is hard. The hardest part of coping is knowing what is and isn't your control. You can only do your best.

:( Yeah, usually I do know what is and isn't my control but I think the fact that some of these things aren't under my control is what makes it depressing to me. :(