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matt1993
Last month, I posted a couple of friends-only entries. (If you're one of my LJ/DW friends and you saw both of those already, most of this entry won't be new to you so you can probably skip this paragraph or so.)
About what?
Well... for anyone who doesn't know (i.e. anyone who has never read an entry in my journal other than this one): I have autism, had somewhat of a sheltered childhood, and spent a lot of my life not being able to word things very well. As a result, many times I've said things that unintentionally came across as rude or were misunderstood, and this led to me becoming crippled with fear that everything I say is going to eventually turn out to be stupid or offend someone. Since I'm still not much better at writing, here is how my sister describes it: "You are always worried about doing something wrong/being hated, even when it comes to what movies or games or books you can like." (I'd add shows, and characters, and fonts, and art programs, and web browsers, and comics/webcomics, and websites, and numerical constants...) "And you can add that I said it's because you take everything you read in internet comments for truth (if someone says hate you think it means literal real hate, or that they will hate YOU for liking the thing they hate). That's really what it all boils down to. Everything is exactly the same in that it is always that, and always nothing to worry about, but something you worry about anyway."
Here are some examples of how much my anxiety about offending people deeply affects me:
- Sometimes I lose sleep or get onto a very irregular sleep schedule worrying about being hated.
- When I was in college, sometimes I would be so paralyzed with fear about something that made me worry about being hated, that I would be late for class or have trouble focusing on homework because all I can think about is the fact that there's something I might be hated over. To an extent, that still happens today when I'm at work.
- Sometimes all of these worries gets so intense that it becomes depression that I can only overcome by posting to my journal about some of the things I worry about being hated for. (usually in friends-only entries because it's bad enough having to worry what people who DO know me already will think!) Essentially, if it's true what my sister has told me about how I have trouble seeing things the way they are and that it's "obvious" to most people that most of my worries are nothing to worry about, then posting entries such as these is the only way for ME to see things the way they are.
And my two recent friends-only entries were basically that - yet another instance of me being so consumed with worrying about what people will think of me if they know I like X/dislike X/X thing about me that the only way I could feel even a little bit better about it was by posting about it. Despite being TERRIFIED of what the comments I would receive might be.
Well, the result was better than the anxious part of me expected.
So it helped.
A little.
But it wasn't enough now that we live in a world where online discourse about boycotts, separating the art from the artist, and differing opinions about ANYTHING has gotten to the point it's at.
So I'm going to have to up the stakes a little.
Things turned out alright when I posted about some of the things I worry about possibly being hated over in a friends-only entry... now let's see what happens when I post it again (with a few minor tweaks), but in a PUBLIC entry!
Here's the top 22 things I'm most worried about being judged over at the moment, roughly in order:
22) I like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. (The book and the movies.)
21) I like The Price is Right.
20) I bought Tomodachi Life back in 2014 and enjoyed playing it. A lot. And posted about it sometimes.
19) I still like LiveJournal.
18) I have never had any problem with Chris Pratt voicing Mario in the Super Mario Bros. Movie. Not even before that first trailer.
17) I visit DeviantArt.
16) I haven't played any games by SNK yet, but there are some I've thought about maybe trying out one day and I have a Terry amiibo.
15) I like Ctrl+Alt+Del.
14) My favorite character in Animaniacs is the nurse. (at least out of the episodes I've seen but I doubt seeing more episodes would change my answer) And yes, it's mainly for THAT reason. (If I were to list EVERY female fictional character that I've ever worried about being a bad person for having a crush on them, it'd take forever... but for about a year now, the nurse from Animaniacs has been at or near the top of that list.)
13) I buy Nestle products. I don't go out of my way to, but I don't go out of my way not to either.
12) Same thing with Hershey.
11) I eat at Chick-Fil-A sometimes.
10) I like Penny Arcade.
9) While I've never seen The IT Crowd, I get the impression I would like it if I did.
8) Though I've only played an Earthworm Jim game once decades ago, and didn't like it at that point because I wasn't good at it, I've gotten interested in maybe seeing the cartoon someday because I saw a clip of an episode on YouTube.
7) I've seen a few episodes of Father Ted and enjoyed them.
6) I've seen a few episodes of Friends and enjoyed them.
5) I went to Universal Studios in 2019. And I'd like to again someday now that Super Nintendo World is there.
4) I like Dr. Seuss books/movies.
3) I like Rick & Morty.
2) I still like Dilbert comics.
1) And finally... I like Harry Potter. Still. And I did see the first two Fantastic Beasts movies and liked the first. And the Harry Potter world was one of the things I visited at Universal. (If you don't know why I'm worried about being hated for this: What rock have you been living under? And how much would it cost for me to rent a room in your rock? Because it seems like I'd be WAY happier if I lived there...)
About what?
Well... for anyone who doesn't know (i.e. anyone who has never read an entry in my journal other than this one): I have autism, had somewhat of a sheltered childhood, and spent a lot of my life not being able to word things very well. As a result, many times I've said things that unintentionally came across as rude or were misunderstood, and this led to me becoming crippled with fear that everything I say is going to eventually turn out to be stupid or offend someone. Since I'm still not much better at writing, here is how my sister describes it: "You are always worried about doing something wrong/being hated, even when it comes to what movies or games or books you can like." (I'd add shows, and characters, and fonts, and art programs, and web browsers, and comics/webcomics, and websites, and numerical constants...) "And you can add that I said it's because you take everything you read in internet comments for truth (if someone says hate you think it means literal real hate, or that they will hate YOU for liking the thing they hate). That's really what it all boils down to. Everything is exactly the same in that it is always that, and always nothing to worry about, but something you worry about anyway."
Here are some examples of how much my anxiety about offending people deeply affects me:
- Sometimes I lose sleep or get onto a very irregular sleep schedule worrying about being hated.
- When I was in college, sometimes I would be so paralyzed with fear about something that made me worry about being hated, that I would be late for class or have trouble focusing on homework because all I can think about is the fact that there's something I might be hated over. To an extent, that still happens today when I'm at work.
- Sometimes all of these worries gets so intense that it becomes depression that I can only overcome by posting to my journal about some of the things I worry about being hated for. (usually in friends-only entries because it's bad enough having to worry what people who DO know me already will think!) Essentially, if it's true what my sister has told me about how I have trouble seeing things the way they are and that it's "obvious" to most people that most of my worries are nothing to worry about, then posting entries such as these is the only way for ME to see things the way they are.
And my two recent friends-only entries were basically that - yet another instance of me being so consumed with worrying about what people will think of me if they know I like X/dislike X/X thing about me that the only way I could feel even a little bit better about it was by posting about it. Despite being TERRIFIED of what the comments I would receive might be.
Well, the result was better than the anxious part of me expected.
So it helped.
A little.
But it wasn't enough now that we live in a world where online discourse about boycotts, separating the art from the artist, and differing opinions about ANYTHING has gotten to the point it's at.
So I'm going to have to up the stakes a little.
Things turned out alright when I posted about some of the things I worry about possibly being hated over in a friends-only entry... now let's see what happens when I post it again (with a few minor tweaks), but in a PUBLIC entry!
Here's the top 22 things I'm most worried about being judged over at the moment, roughly in order:
22) I like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. (The book and the movies.)
21) I like The Price is Right.
20) I bought Tomodachi Life back in 2014 and enjoyed playing it. A lot. And posted about it sometimes.
19) I still like LiveJournal.
18) I have never had any problem with Chris Pratt voicing Mario in the Super Mario Bros. Movie. Not even before that first trailer.
17) I visit DeviantArt.
16) I haven't played any games by SNK yet, but there are some I've thought about maybe trying out one day and I have a Terry amiibo.
15) I like Ctrl+Alt+Del.
14) My favorite character in Animaniacs is the nurse. (at least out of the episodes I've seen but I doubt seeing more episodes would change my answer) And yes, it's mainly for THAT reason. (If I were to list EVERY female fictional character that I've ever worried about being a bad person for having a crush on them, it'd take forever... but for about a year now, the nurse from Animaniacs has been at or near the top of that list.)
13) I buy Nestle products. I don't go out of my way to, but I don't go out of my way not to either.
12) Same thing with Hershey.
11) I eat at Chick-Fil-A sometimes.
10) I like Penny Arcade.
9) While I've never seen The IT Crowd, I get the impression I would like it if I did.
8) Though I've only played an Earthworm Jim game once decades ago, and didn't like it at that point because I wasn't good at it, I've gotten interested in maybe seeing the cartoon someday because I saw a clip of an episode on YouTube.
7) I've seen a few episodes of Father Ted and enjoyed them.
6) I've seen a few episodes of Friends and enjoyed them.
5) I went to Universal Studios in 2019. And I'd like to again someday now that Super Nintendo World is there.
4) I like Dr. Seuss books/movies.
3) I like Rick & Morty.
2) I still like Dilbert comics.
1) And finally... I like Harry Potter. Still. And I did see the first two Fantastic Beasts movies and liked the first. And the Harry Potter world was one of the things I visited at Universal. (If you don't know why I'm worried about being hated for this: What rock have you been living under? And how much would it cost for me to rent a room in your rock? Because it seems like I'd be WAY happier if I lived there...)
no subject
Date: Sun, Mar. 26th, 2023 19:11 (UTC)I can see you listed several things that have come up as controversial to more left-leaning folks these days, some that right-leaning folks find controversial too - I say BE YOU! I'm the same way. I like what I like and everyone else can bite bricks if they are upset or offended about it.
Some of my very favorite people are on the Autism Spectrum. I have one sister that I strongly suspect is on that spectrum, as well as one of my closest friends. One doesn't have to have super skills with people to be an amazing person. I have always enjoyed interactions with you. I know you're being vulnerable and brave by making these statements, and I just wanted to tell you that it's awesome! I learned fun things about you, and like you even more for it.
no subject
Date: Tue, Mar. 28th, 2023 04:18 (UTC)I can see you listed several things that have come up as controversial to more left-leaning folks these days, some that right-leaning folks find controversial too
If you're wanting to know exactly why some of these are on the list, the "phase 1 of the final battle against my anxiety" entry has links about some of them.
I say BE YOU! I'm the same way. I like what I like and everyone else can bite bricks if they are upset or offended about it.
Exactly! And I'm glad that you (and those who've commented on the LJ versions of these recent entries, and hopefully several who read it without commenting) see it that way. I just wish I knew for a fact that there were WAAAY more people in the world who see things the way you do than those who think it's perfectly acceptable to harass someone online for streaming a game that would have been seen as perfectly acceptable to like if it had released just a few years ago. (I know not all of the people who choose to boycott certain fandoms or products hate others for not boycotting or harass others for not boycotting, but there's enough people like that that I think I'm justified in being nervous when people say they don't separate the art from the artist.)
It's scary how easily people can go from finding it perfectly acceptable to like something to harassing others for liking it. Makes me wonder, is it still going to be considered okay to like Garfield in 2030? Or Homestar Runner? Or ENYA???
Some of my very favorite people are on the Autism Spectrum. I have one sister that I strongly suspect is on that spectrum, as well as one of my closest friends. One doesn't have to have super skills with people to be an amazing person.
Maybe... but as I've seen, I definitely have to have super skills with people to have a chance of not offending people. Believe me, I've offended people a lot even in autism communities! :(
I have always enjoyed interactions with you. I know you're being vulnerable and brave by making these statements, and I just wanted to tell you that it's awesome! I learned fun things about you, and like you even more for it.
Thank you! :)